The Putter Effect

I've been living somewhere between inspired and depressed. Somewhere between stagnant and going too fast. Wake up the day blossoming with opportunity and end pounding my head into a brick wall of my own making. I start bright eyed and bushy tailed ready to take on the world and by 2 I've logically removed every last puff of wind from my sails. After all, I dont really like bundt cake that much, so why make it?

Why make it, I ask? Because it makes me feel good to do something, anything. Especially if that anything is something I like. Because doing something I enjoy reaffirms who I am, why I like it, and what I want my future to look like. Because in not doing it, I loose myself. I'm lost, hence the loss of my satisfaction, happiness and motivation for the next day.

The most troubling factor, I suppose, is that I quit in the first place. I love to write, and I enjoy looking through a camera lens. Mountain biking in Thailand was an amazing experience(if excruciating, I don't have those muscles). While Tango's a bit out of reach right now, jewelry smithing isn't. Nor is painting drawing and ceramics. I enjoy this but... I fall off the wagon, succumbing to my laziness and mediocrity and loosing myself. Maybe its conditioning or stamina, maturity level and discipline....

Toda, I made, according to Tanner and with his help, a Coco Sour Cream Butt Cake with Tanner. Today I wrote, a little, hence the blog. I loaded the stupid dishwasher, as the dishes were dirtied and fresh, and cleaned up after myself in the kitchen. That'll work for now.

Third Person

Taryn Hoopes is ready for big things. Taryn Hoopes is thinking big thoughts. Taryn Hoopes wants some fantastic changes to her life.

Taryn Hoopes will be an author. An author of epic proportions with a fan base that seeks my stories like an addict takes to cocaine.

Taryn Hoopes will dance, dance well, and look great on the dance floor.

Taryn Hoopes will become a musician, to spite all odds.

Taryn Hoopes is considering becoming gregarious, a bit of a flirt, and altogether charming.

Taryn Hoopes is an artist, a jewelry smith, and ready to finish what she starts.

Taryn is more organized than anyone realizes, and sometimes loves early mornings. :P

Taryn Hoopes is a deadly weapon, outdoorsman and vegetarian waiting to be realized.

Taryn Hoopes is done apologizing for being Taryn, done worrying about what she wants to wear, and almost done thinking she isn't totally freaking hot.

Taryn is ready to use her intelligence, creativity, and perfectionism to kick some ass.

And yes. Taryn just said that. She means business.

Sleep and Happiness

Sleep and happiness can be important to each other from time to time. I'm watching the kids for the week, school duty. Lunches, 8am drop offs and homework. The whole nine yards. Its exhausting, just to keep basic functions on track... But the sleep I got last night then after I dropped folks off helped. I feel a bit better (less ready to go into a screaming fit when the kids aren't getting up the 100th time I've told them were going to be late). Even energetic! I even cleaned some things!

I wish I could sing. I was gifted with pretty worthless vocal cords, but maybe with some low exceptions, voice lessons, and a style like They Might Be Giants - Particle Man (think nerdy nasal twangy almost)... I maybe could sing!

The dogs are getting desperate. The Alpha's in Boise and I hardly take them anywhere... (see the keeping basic functions part). They sit and stare at me. Hoping I'll start doing tricks for them. I've fed them, they've had outside time... But they want a walk and a three mile run. And Tuna wants a dog who knows how to play with dogs and Ben, the dog, wants a perpetual fetch machine.

I need to get back to writing. If my goal is to not do a 9 to 5, and writings my mean... It has to actually happen SOMETIME. Sigh.

Intimidator

I wrote nothing today. So I'm writing something quickly here. I wonder why I'm not writing something else. Or haven't written something earlier today. Was I really actually busy or just seeking distraction? Did I just not feel like sitting in tied to my computer or am I shying away from it again? Intimidated perhaps by my realization that if I do write, regularly... I could write enough for a book. If I write enough for a book, will it be enough to tell the story? Will I do the right writing? Is my story where it should be? What is my story?! Shouldn't I know that by now? Intimidated by the noose my own judgmental and worrying mind makes.

I don't think I need to know the story yet. In stories where I have the plot down, I don't think I need to know the characters perfectly. Some things you learn while you're writing. Some things just appear like the world does when you look for it. Whatever is behind you, is still behind you, even if you aren't looking at it. It keeps existing, and its there when you look. Its mysterious and strange how often things just come on there own. I'm not deciding everything in my story, some just IS. If my subconsious can do it while I sleep, generating the worlds and characters I meet in a dream while I'm moving through it... I should do at least ok awake.

I did though, order a new wireless card. The connection mine has been making to my computer has been failing for a while now. I'd have to open it up and jostle it around every few days. Now I'll have a minuscule external one. Hopefully the range will be alright. I'm terribly fatigued at desk sitting.

Ten Things About Being Tired

I had to wake up reeeaaaal early yesterday. Toward the close of the day I had reaffirmed some observations about being tired, and stayed up an extra 2o minutes to find a pencil that didn't squeak on the page and an empty notebook page to jot them down.

• Hot face washcloths and hot showers do not make up for lost sleep. Still tired, achey, and now lobster colored.
  

• Caffeine does not make up for lost sleep. Just makes you queasy, strung out, and unable to take a nap.

• Moderate amounts of caffeine paired with less moderate quantities of Advil do somewhat better.

• Advil wont prevent you from bursting into tears when you see pansies at Home Depot and think of Pansy.

• I talk... waaaaay too much when I'm tired. I'm sorry mom, if your ears bled from my constant long winded drivel.

• When tired, I sometimes tend to shake when I watch movies or have engaging conversations. I must have been a chihuahua in my past life.

• Regardless of the perfect chance to reset my sleep schedule and go to bed early, I wont.

• I write more and arguably better when its late. (See the talking excessively, there may be a correlation).

• I think I have a problem. A sick addiction to excessively late nights. I can't help myself.

• I'm tired.

Sad to say I went to bed at almost 3am... having woken up at 8am that morning, having gone to bed at 3 the day before, down from 5am. Since I've been writing, after getting of WoW, its become a bit of an issue.

Something About Vaugeness

My favorite music... is hard to put a finger on, as far as its vibe and sound. I'm fairly eclectic, though there are some common threads. Pandora has found some of my favorite songs for me, but there's something that it doesn't consider. Lyrics mainly. A song can sound alright while simultaneously having dismal lyrics. There was this one in particular that was pretty and I would have enjoyed listening... except it was about a kid running away and drowning because of an unhappy home life. Not something I that will make my day better.

Inane or depressing lyrics, they can be annoying. They can be song killing, but what I really love to find in lyrics is a vagueness about the topic lending itself to a variety of interpretations. A song can be enjoyable if it talks about the artist's summer job picking up trash along the highway, while thinking of that one girlfriend... It can be catchy. I could like it. But I could never take it for anything other than a song about someone picking up trash on the side of the road and thinking of his girlfriend. Its static and the lyrics don't allow for much greater interpretation than whats been given. The song is about what the song SAYS its about. Where if someones singing with appropriate vagueness, one song could apply to the heartache of getting dumped, the corruption of modern politics and the angst of a fantastically powerful demon being bent to the will of the sorcerer who holds captive the love his infernal nature should never have allowed him.

I love a song that can be about one or a million things. I get day dreams and ideas and characters and worlds to explore when I hear one...

I'm Sleepy

But thats no excuse. I always am. That its 2am and I'm sleepy is probably a good thing. Usually the only sleepyness I get is at inconveinent points in the day. Like 10-11 am. Or 7 pm. Times when I shouldn't be down for the count, because there are other things on my agenda.

I'm even sleepier now, because that space between this and the last paragraph was actually almost an hour long. I got distracted talking about a plot to a daydream I was having, full of mysterious psychic powers, gore spattered guardian angels, and prison breaking for the greater good... I have fun day dreams.

I just used the last of my hot air for blogging talking to someone else about the tragedy and benefits of 2D side characters. And also about the importance or writing daily.

Fun post. -_-